Me and the dogs. I love those furry guys, but they don't provide much conversation.
The friends I have here are wonderful, but everyone is usually doing their own thing... work, kids, spending time with their husbands, etc. It makes it hard to plan things and find times to get together.
With that combination, it's given me a lot of time with my own thoughts. Sometimes I really enjoy lots of time with my own thoughts, but sometimes it's not so good. This time has been a little difficult for me.
Usually when the husband is away, I keep myself busy and occupied by getting into a daily routine. Get up, work out, walk dogs/go to the park, run errands, craft/work, eat, more work/crafts, eat, walk dogs, read, sleep. In the past, that routine has always worked well, and I usually really enjoy it. However, this time has been a little different.
Perhaps it is the sadness left over from leaving family, the stress of coming back to the island alone, knowing my Grandfather is going to have a major surgery soon and I can't be there, or worrying about an upcoming and fast approaching deployment, but something has brought back my unwelcome guest.... anxiety, and sometimes his fellow, equally unwelcome companion, panic.
The constant feeling of worry-- even over things that I know to be ridiculous-- has really worn me down. For two weeks, I've walked around feeling exactly the same way I would feel if I were about to give a speech in front of 500 people. Nervous. Shaky. Scared. A little dizzy. Needing to take deep calming breaths. I can't begin to tell you how annoying it has become.
Feeling these things has made me lose interest in some of the things I usually enjoy, and I find myself wanting to read more for a temporary "escape." With that being said, it's easy to see how I haven't had a whole heck of a lot to say in blog posts lately. I can't very well tell you how I read all day, worked on a crochet blanket, and didn't cook anything... haha. It's a little too boring.
I feel a twinge of embarrassment as I write this because anxiety is something that's usually not a topic of conversation. It's generally kept "hush hush," as people who don't understand it see it as a weakness. I felt the need to share, though, because it's not a weakness. It's not something anyone can control, and it's certainly not something anyone chooses. I wanted to share this in hopes that it might make someone else dealing with the same thing feel less alone.
For me, I'm currently feeling like the worst of this particular "spell" has passed. I'm feeling much better than I was, I've got more drive to work out and do the things I love, I'm excited to start new projects, and the husband should be back in less than a week... at least for a little while. :) Hopefully this wasn't a "depressing" post... just one to help explain my absence.
Hope you all are doing well and taking care!
As a friend who has had to learn how to deal with anxiety and panic as well, I know that it is very real and not a weakness. I hope it leaves you soon so you can get back to enjoying your days. And even if you're not base jumping or traveling around the world, if you're doing what you love (art, exercise, loving your pups, loving your husband, etc.) then that doesn't sound boring to me :)
ReplyDeleteA little encouragement from the one who's always with ya:
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
John 14:27
This post made me feel better about my own life. The last time I was really into my blog and posted anything worth reading was Thanksgiving. On Black Friday I had a panic attack. I realize I haven't been the same since then. I totally get where you are coming from on all of those things. I've been feeling them a lot myself lately but didn't feel brave enough to share them, maybe it's time. I know it's been a rough time for you but at least you found an "escape" in reading and it's getting you through. May I suggest Divergent by Veronica Roth, to put on your book list. If you liked the Hunger Games (I did) you'll probably like this. The second book is coming to Divergent is coming out in May. I hope your husband comes back soon and in the meantime as hard as it is, try to reach out to people. I've made a gym buddy and found a friend whose husband is also deployed. I also have a long time friend who lives about an hour 1/2 away (not military, but married to a German) and he's really helped cheer me on on those particularly rough days when I want to hate Germany and hate living so far away from family. I hope you don't have much longer and can find some calm and inner peace. Oh! Maybe try making a list of what you are thankful for again! :) Many hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteCat
I think it's extremely brave to share how you're feeling - because I think there a lot of people out there who probably share the same thing, but are just afraid to share. I suffer from my own set of problems, so I know what a struggle it can be to deal with issues that you have no control over! Just remember, you can always use your online community for friendship, talking and cheering up!
ReplyDelete