Me and the dogs. I love those furry guys, but they don't provide much conversation.
The friends I have here are wonderful, but everyone is usually doing their own thing... work, kids, spending time with their husbands, etc. It makes it hard to plan things and find times to get together.
With that combination, it's given me a lot of time with my own thoughts. Sometimes I really enjoy lots of time with my own thoughts, but sometimes it's not so good. This time has been a little difficult for me.
Usually when the husband is away, I keep myself busy and occupied by getting into a daily routine. Get up, work out, walk dogs/go to the park, run errands, craft/work, eat, more work/crafts, eat, walk dogs, read, sleep. In the past, that routine has always worked well, and I usually really enjoy it. However, this time has been a little different.
Perhaps it is the sadness left over from leaving family, the stress of coming back to the island alone, knowing my Grandfather is going to have a major surgery soon and I can't be there, or worrying about an upcoming and fast approaching deployment, but something has brought back my unwelcome guest.... anxiety, and sometimes his fellow, equally unwelcome companion, panic.
The constant feeling of worry-- even over things that I know to be ridiculous-- has really worn me down. For two weeks, I've walked around feeling exactly the same way I would feel if I were about to give a speech in front of 500 people. Nervous. Shaky. Scared. A little dizzy. Needing to take deep calming breaths. I can't begin to tell you how annoying it has become.
Feeling these things has made me lose interest in some of the things I usually enjoy, and I find myself wanting to read more for a temporary "escape." With that being said, it's easy to see how I haven't had a whole heck of a lot to say in blog posts lately. I can't very well tell you how I read all day, worked on a crochet blanket, and didn't cook anything... haha. It's a little too boring.
I feel a twinge of embarrassment as I write this because anxiety is something that's usually not a topic of conversation. It's generally kept "hush hush," as people who don't understand it see it as a weakness. I felt the need to share, though, because it's not a weakness. It's not something anyone can control, and it's certainly not something anyone chooses. I wanted to share this in hopes that it might make someone else dealing with the same thing feel less alone.
For me, I'm currently feeling like the worst of this particular "spell" has passed. I'm feeling much better than I was, I've got more drive to work out and do the things I love, I'm excited to start new projects, and the husband should be back in less than a week... at least for a little while. :) Hopefully this wasn't a "depressing" post... just one to help explain my absence.
Hope you all are doing well and taking care!