I woke up in a rotten mood this morning.
Actually, I went to bed in a rotten mood last night, and it just carried over into this morning. It's not a bad mood as in I'm mad. It's just a bad mood as in I'm feeling a lot of emotions, and it's overwhelming.
I've been super happy for the past two weeks because I finally felt a little bit of "normalcy" in my life since the hubby came back. Well, it wasn't quite "real normal" because he's had some time off, and we've been doing lots of fun things, but just having him around has been nice.
I've also been super excited that I booked a ticket to go home to Georgia in the beginning of August. I'm so incredibly excited to see my family for the first time in 7 months (I know people go way longer than that, but we're a close bunch, so it feels like forever for me.)
Since I booked the ticket home, I'm also experiencing intense guilt about leaving these guys in a kennel for a week and a half.
I know they are "just dogs," but having come from turmoil in their lives before living with me, I'm afraid they are going to think they are being abandoned again, and it rips my heart out. They are always there for me when I need them, so I feel like scum when I ditch them to go do something fun with my family back home. (And no, with Hawaii's ridiculousness when it comes to bringing animals onto the island, it's not worth it to bring them along for a trip shorter than a year...) The logical part of me believes that dogs live in the moment and it will just be a blip on their radar, and they'll be back home with me, but the emotional part of me is super guilty and sad about it.
In addition to these things, the husband has to leave again for another few short trips here, there, and everywhere in a few days. Of course I'll be sad to be without him again for a little while, but he'll be headed home to our families at the same time as me, so it's really not the "loneliness factor" that's getting me here... it's frustration instead. You see, I'm that personality where I crave structure, order, and routine in my life. This particular lifestyle does not provide that. Just when I settle into my comfortable "by myself" routine, he shows up (of course I'm happy about that!) just long enough to get me used to him being there again. Just as I'm really feeling good about a sort of "couple routine" again, he has to split. I mean, what the heck?!? The logical part of me knows it's what he has to do for his job, but the irrational and emotional side of me gets intensely frustrated, a little hurt, and a little angry every time I have to transition... which seems to be constantly. I'll get over it soon enough though. I always do.
Anyhoo... As you might imagine, since I'm dealing with this roller coaster range of emotions from giddiness to frustration and everything in between, I was feeling overwhelmed when I woke up this morning. Even though I wasn't feeling it, I decided to go to my Thursday morning spin class in hopes to sweat it out and feel a heck of a lot better when I got out. It worked... sort of. For an hour, I forgot everything and lost myself in music, sweat, and some physical pain (the good kind, of course). Then, when I walked out the door, everything hit me again. Crap... It didn't work...
Then, as I was walking to my car, I noticed one single hibiscus in the hedge next to the building. It was obvious that the plants had just been seriously cut and trimmed back, as there were barely any leaves on the branches, yet this one beautifully brilliant, vibrant pink hibiscus had bloomed and was sitting there in all it's glory.
I needed to focus more on the positive. (1) I've enjoyed two splendid weeks with my other half, and I'll soon enjoy one more with him and my family. (2) I'm incredibly blessed that I was able to book a ticket home to Georgia when it's not even a holiday... Flying from Hawaii is expensive! (3) Even though I feel guilty about leaving my two best furry buddies, they will be fine. It's only a week, and I know that they will come back home to live with me where they will be loved and spoiled rotten... in a good way. I took them in so that they would have a good home and no longer be in a shelter or a kennel waiting on their forever homes, so I don't think they will mind a week or so here and there away. I'd say it's worth the attention they get from me and Kent. (4) The husband may be going off yet again, but the light at the end of the tunnel is much closer this go round, and there are definite times I can look forward to. Plus, I can call or Skype or whatever. It's no biggie.
It's pretty amazing what a positive attitude and some optimistic thinking can do. :) Hopefully I can keep this up so I can fully enjoy a beach day with the hubby today and a lazy evening at home.